I realized last week that I really wanted to see Kristen Connolly naked. I was sitting in my hotel room in Amsterdam at night, having just been blue balled by the shameful sanitization of the city’s Red Light District. I got back to the foul, body odor-smelling room I paid a small fortune for and got blue balled yet again by the TV. You see, The Cabin in the Woods was playing. Cabin in the Woods hints at a Kristen Connolly nude scene a whopping three times throughout the course of the movie. Three goddamn times! It goes without that it never delivers. Before you say that Joss Whedon doesn’t do nude scenes (of his actresses, not of himself), Cabin in the Woods actually had one, so there really is no excuse. More on that in a second.
The first hint we get that we are going to see Kristen Connolly nude in Cabin in the Woods is right near the beginning of the film. She’s parading around her college dorm room in a top and no pants. No, she’s not Donald Ducking it, but the panties set the scene, especially with the revolving door of other characters wandering around her, including Chris Hemsworth, who informs her at the end of the scene that she is indeed not wearing pants. Obviously not the kind of thing that one notices about themselves, but we did get an eyeful of Kristen Connelly ass, so who are we to complain?
The next tease we get for source material for Kristen Connolly nude pics is when the main characters go for a swim in a lake. The scene has actresses running around in bikinis, plenty of horseplay, and the people running the show talking about releasing pheromones. It seems obvious that it’s going for some nudity, right? Those Kristen Connolly nudes that we’ve hungered for so long are just around the corner, right? Nope, all you get is blue balls. Now, to be fair, we get some blue ball relief in the third and final hint, which is a nude scene from Anna Hutchison (of Spartacus fame), but alas, that only lines up with her being (spoiler alert) the ritual’s designated “whore,” whereas Dana, Kristen’s character, is the designated “virgin.”
Perhaps even more frustrating is that even if you wanted to scale your expectations right back, plop into Google Images, and type in “kristen connolly sexy,” you would get a whole lot of images that make your average PG-13 production look like a hardcore porn set. I’d make a point here about Disney Channel being less tame than these offerings, but frankly, where we’re going, former Disney starlets are some of the most explicit out there. Even in Cabin in the Woods, the shots that feature Kristen in a bikini are obscured and filmed from far away, and the panty shot from near the beginning of the film spends most of itself showing nothing but her legs, like we’re all a bunch of Second World War GIs that haven’t seen a woman in months and would take any scrap we can get.
So I suppose it’s some part funny and some part random that it ended up being House of Cards, of all things, that finally delivered the Kristen Connolly topless scene everyone has been waiting for. It is rather blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, I’m sorry to say, but we don’t really get to see Kristen Connolly nude anywhere else, so we can only be thankful to producer Kevin Spacey for making this happen. Then again, in light of what came after, maybe the whole situation is a bit dark. Speaking of, the debut episode of the show also has a scene of Kate Mara sitting on a toilet and taking a dump. Thought you ought to know. In any event, I present for you the 4 nanoseconds of the only scene in existence featuring Kristen Connolly nude.
