There is only one feature in which we have seen Olivia Colman naked, and it wasn’t even meant to be. In an interview with The Guardian back in 2007, the year after Confetti came out, the Norvician actress described filming the movie as “the worst experience of [her] life.” Apparently, the Olivia Colman nude scenes we got should have included a lot less nudity. In the same interview, the Academy Award-winning actress said that she was led to believe that “the nudity wouldn’t be quite as awful as it was.” Robert Webb, her co-star, said that he was told the nudity would all be pixelated, only finding out it wasn’t at the screening, where co-star Jessica Hynes apparently made a cheeky comment about his pee-pee, which sounds like something straight out of a CFNM fantasy.
So what are these Olivia Colman nude scenes everyone is referring to? Well, in the film, she plays a naturist – or, if you prefer the less in vogue term, a nudist. Who could have thought that there would be nudity in a film where one set of characters are nudists? Madness! To be fair, if the deal was that it was going to be pixelated, then that’s a pretty scummy move that the studio pulled on our Sophie. Worked out pretty well for all the fappers out there who have wanted to see Olivia Colman naked since Peep Show, but I suppose I would be none too impressed if I were in that situation. Doubly so when you consider that the actress has always (presumably intentionally) had a no nudity policy. I don’t even know if she has any lewds out there, let alone nudes.
I know you might be thinking that it was some Harvey Weinstein-type greaseball character that is responsible for the Olivia Colman nude scenes that should not be, but it was none other than Nativity! creator and frequent Martin Freeman collaborator Debbie Isitt. Well, she was the director and writer of the film in any event, which once again reinforces my oft-repeated belief that women direct and write some of the best nude scenes. Before you ask, yes, Martin Freeman is in Confetti as well, but no, Bilbo Baggins does not get his dick out. And while we’re at it, we don’t see co-stars Meredith MacNeill or Jessica Hynes nude either. The only naturists from among the main characters are Olivia and Robert Webb’s characters.
But to compensate for that, we sure do see Olivia Colman topless a lot in Confetti. For starters, she is literally completely naked for the majority of her scenes, and in some portion of them, she’s topless but wearing a scarf-like thing around her waist. Very frustratingly, these tend to be the scenes where we would have gotten a nice, close-up frontal shot of her trimmed pubic region, but to be fair, that’s almost certainly why she was wearing the scarf in those moments in the first place. That’s not to say that we got nothing close. There were quite a few scenes where her bush is on show and even a few frames where if you look really, really, really, really hard, you can just about make out her pussy lips. Very nice. Very nice indeed.
Confetti remains the only movie where you can see Olivia Colman’s tits, and with her meteoric success over the past decade, this is unlikely to change. Add into the equation that these nude scenes should not have been released in the first place, and that makes it a near certainty. But realistically, after winning the six million prestigious awards that she has, including a literal Oscar, I don’t imagine the 48-year-old actress starring in a string of boob scenes now. I appreciate that didn’t stop Emma Thompson in the most explicit nude scenes of her career, and in her 60s, no less, but that’s far from standard. When there is famine in the future, the best we can do is remember the feasts of the past, and so I give you Olivia Colman naked in Confetti.