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Ana de Armas Naked – Blonde – 4K Stream

I’d be willing to bet that I saw Ana de Armas naked before almost 100% of people reading this post right now. No, we didn’t used to date in college, though that would be one hell of a story. Any Spaniards and Cubans reading this may have the drop on me since it was already 5 years after her very first role – back when she was 16 years old in Virgin Rose/Una rosa de Francia (2006) – but my story begins in 2011, when I was browsing through Vimeo and stumbled upon a video. It was for a short film called Ánima by Cuban filmmaker Ana Victoria Pérez. As is the case so often, a female director means an awesome nude scene, and that’s exactly what I was awed by when watching that short. Seeing Ana de Armas nude in Ánima was nothing short of a spiritual experience for me. I’ve ranked her as one of the most beautiful actresses to have ever lived from that day more than a decade ago.

But it didn’t end there. We saw Ana de Armas nude again quite a few more times, but this time, in Hollywood. The first time Tinseltown brought us the Cuban goddess’ naked body was in her breakout international role as Bell in the Eli Roth film Knock Knock. Somehow, even all this time later, I haven’t seen that film. But you know what? I don’t need to. When it came out, all the Ana de Armas nudity from it was plastered all over the internet pretty much non-stop. I’m obviously not complaining. That scene of her standing in a bathroom with soapy tits and dripping wet is iconic and will never not evoke a fap regardless of whether I’m alone at home, rubbing one out in an office toilet cubicle, or at a funeral.

That scene of Ana de Armas nude was so enthralling, that it took me months – maybe even years – to notice that Lorenza Izzo got naked in that movie too, and I’d been wanting to see more of that since I watched the Green Inferno remake, which incidentally was also an Eli Roth film. Two years after Knock Knock, we of course saw Ana de Armas naked again in her even more breakout-y role as the virtual Joi in Blade Runner 2049. Or rather, we thought we did. Bad news, fellas – the giant Joi hologram with her tits out is all CGI. Yep, I too thought – nay, prayed – that it was just a whole lot of compositing action and that those really were the perky Ana de Armas boobs that we all known and love, but alas, those titties were just vertices and shading.

She more than made up for it, though, since we did see Ana de Armas topless in literally half of the next 6 movies that she did. For those wanting to dig into some research, perhaps to set yourself off for a good night’s sleep, I’m referring to Netflix’s Wasp Network from 2019 and Sergio and The Night Clerk both from 2020. None of those 3 films’ nude scenes gained that much traction, Ana or not, but that brings us to a film from earlier this year – the Hulu original Deep Water.

If you’ve been especially itching for an Ana de Armas sex scene with Ben Affleck, that movie will answer your prayers. If you wanted the Havana native dressed for them, then by some bizarre stroke of fortune, even luckier for you. Don’t worry if that doesn’t float your boat, though, because the movie is plenty enough NSFW. If you were planning to go into it to see Ana de Armas nudes, then Ana de Armas nudes you will see. But if only she could do a movie like that but so much more gratuitous. If only we could get a movie with tons and tons of completely unnecessary but wholly satisfying Ana de Armas nude scenes. If only Netflix could make something like that happen. But nah. Netflix tends to shy away from nudity, and when they touch it, it’s rarely gratuitous…

And yet they gave us about a million shots of Ana de Armas’ tits in the Marilyn Monroe biopic Blonde. So many titty scenes, man. So many. I saw Ana de Armas’ boobs so many times in Blonde that I almost got bored of them by the end. Almost. Julianne Nicholson made for a nice starter to that film, which probably helped the nudity from Ana avoid looking too forced, though it was plentiful. At the same time, it was somehow surprisingly subtle – understated, almost. It did include a lot of recreations of famous Marilyn Monroe nude moments, not missing out on the iconic Golden Dreams calendar shoot.

There are of course other movies and television series with Ana de Armas, NSFW scenes and all, but many of them are lesser known, so I won’t go into details. I’m only going to say that the whipping scene in Hispania, la leyenda would evoke some hardcore vibes of Karen Hassan in Vikings, but sadly, Ana is wearing a tunic during it. It is see-through, to be fair, but it’s just not the same. Anyway, I cannot tell you what a struggle this one has been to color correct and all, but I reckon it’s been well worth it. God only knows how this is the first time I’ve covered one of my favorite naked actresses between this Faptuary and the last one, but I’m glad that when the time finally came, it came with a film with such great nudity. Here’s Ana de Armas nude in Blonde in ultra HD 4K resolution.

Julianne Nicholson Naked – Blonde – 4K Stream

As many times as we’ve all seen Julianne Nicholson naked, she has this sort of air around her of being a part of very few nude scenes in film and television. I don’t believe this is just some bizarre perception on my part. I think it’s to do with the way the nude scenes she’s in are shot and edited. To illustrate, let me start with one of her earlier nude scenes – Flannel Pajamas. I remember seeing the Julianne Nicholson nude scene in Flannel Pajamas not long after it came out back in 2006, and sweet Lord in heaven, I was blown away. It was one of my favorite nude scenes of all time back then and continues to be. The difference then was that we didn’t have so many blu rays and 4K streaming services to contend with, so it didn’t stick out that it didn’t have an HD release. It sure as hell sticks out now.

The nude scene itself was amazing, though. We got to see full frontal nudity from Julianne Nicholson, and it was glorious. The whole thing was well lit, of course. There were no objects in the way and the camera was steady too. Absolutely legendary. Compare that to her nude scenes in Her Name Is Carla – yet another film with no HD release as I write. In that one, we do get some great shots of her tits that last a long time and are decently enough lit, but it’s not quite the glory of Flannel Pajamas. And now that we’ve gotten those two out of the way, there’s everything else, and everything else leaves a lot of magic to be desired.

We saw Julianne Nicholson nude in Kinsey, William Vincent, Boardwalk Empire, Sophie and the Rising Sun, and Initials SG, and every single one of those nude scenes failed to hit the mark. Yes, we did technically get to see some pieces of Julianne Nicholson naked, but “some pieces” really is the key to what went wrong. Quick shots, close zooms with no face in the same shot, low lighting, and pretty much every other trick in the book to have a nude scene that does genuinely have nudity but to have it be unsatisfying nonetheless. It’s like the worst of both worlds. Absolutely shameful, especially since we got a taste of that majestic ginger bush in Flannel Pajamas.

But then all was made right when we got to see Julianne Nicholson topless in this year’s Marilyn Monroe biopic Blonde. The 51-year-old Massachusetts native doesn’t play Marilyn Monroe – that role and all the nude scenes it comes with goes to the beautiful Ana De Armas – but our Detective Megan Wheeler does play Norma Jeane’s mother Gladys, a role she spends a good while naked in. First we see her topless as she’s trying to drown her daughter in a bathtub, then sitting on the floor while wet and crying and still topless, and then her grand finale offers us full frontal nudity as she closes the door of her home, flashing her bush to the neighbors in the process. And because this is a new Netflix production, we get it in crystal clear 4K Ultra HD resolution (albeit with an unusual 4:3 aspect ratio). So after more than a decade and a half of waiting, here’s Julianne Nicholson naked in Blonde.

Olivia Colman Naked – Confetti – HD Stream

There is only one feature in which we have seen Olivia Colman naked, and it wasn’t even meant to be. In an interview with The Guardian back in 2007, the year after Confetti came out, the Norvician actress described filming the movie as “the worst experience of [her] life.” Apparently, the Olivia Colman nude scenes we got should have included a lot less nudity. In the same interview, the Academy Award-winning actress said that she was led to believe that “the nudity wouldn’t be quite as awful as it was.” Robert Webb, her co-star, said that he was told the nudity would all be pixelated, only finding out it wasn’t at the screening, where co-star Jessica Hynes apparently made a cheeky comment about his pee-pee, which sounds like something straight out of a CFNM fantasy.

So what are these Olivia Colman nude scenes everyone is referring to? Well, in the film, she plays a naturist – or, if you prefer the less in vogue term, a nudist. Who could have thought that there would be nudity in a film where one set of characters are nudists? Madness! To be fair, if the deal was that it was going to be pixelated, then that’s a pretty scummy move that the studio pulled on our Sophie. Worked out pretty well for all the fappers out there who have wanted to see Olivia Colman naked since Peep Show, but I suppose I would be none too impressed if I were in that situation. Doubly so when you consider that the actress has always (presumably intentionally) had a no nudity policy. I don’t even know if she has any lewds out there, let alone nudes.

I know you might be thinking that it was some Harvey Weinstein-type greaseball character that is responsible for the Olivia Colman nude scenes that should not be, but it was none other than Nativity! creator and frequent Martin Freeman collaborator Debbie Isitt. Well, she was the director and writer of the film in any event, which once again reinforces my oft-repeated belief that women direct and write some of the best nude scenes. Before you ask, yes, Martin Freeman is in Confetti as well, but no, Bilbo Baggins does not get his dick out. And while we’re at it, we don’t see co-stars Meredith MacNeill or Jessica Hynes nude either. The only naturists from among the main characters are Olivia and Robert Webb’s characters.

But to compensate for that, we sure do see Olivia Colman topless a lot in Confetti. For starters, she is literally completely naked for the majority of her scenes, and in some portion of them, she’s topless but wearing a scarf-like thing around her waist. Very frustratingly, these tend to be the scenes where we would have gotten a nice, close-up frontal shot of her trimmed pubic region, but to be fair, that’s almost certainly why she was wearing the scarf in those moments in the first place. That’s not to say that we got nothing close. There were quite a few scenes where her bush is on show and even a few frames where if you look really, really, really, really hard, you can just about make out her pussy lips. Very nice. Very nice indeed.

Confetti remains the only movie where you can see Olivia Colman’s tits, and with her meteoric success over the past decade, this is unlikely to change. Add into the equation that these nude scenes should not have been released in the first place, and that makes it a near certainty. But realistically, after winning the six million prestigious awards that she has, including a literal Oscar, I don’t imagine the 48-year-old actress starring in a string of boob scenes now. I appreciate that didn’t stop Emma Thompson in the most explicit nude scenes of her career, and in her 60s, no less, but that’s far from standard. When there is famine in the future, the best we can do is remember the feasts of the past, and so I give you Olivia Colman naked in Confetti.

Rachel Shelley Naked – The L Word (Prison Arc) – HD Stream

We didn’t get too many scenes of Rachel Shelley naked in The L Word, but one of the ones we did get is absolutely amazing. I’m talking about the brief story arc that opens Season 5 during which Helena Peabody is in prison. For those who didn’t follow The L Word, the arc covered the first three episodes of the fifth season. It is pure women-in-prison magic, but with an interesting twist in that, off the top of my head, I cannot think of any major women-in-prison features other than Orange Is the New Black that are told from a female perspective. Yes, obviously, the main characters are all women, but the writers and directors tend to be greaseball men like the God-Emperor of Sleaze Jess Franco – or as he came to be known after his ascension, Jesús Franco.

If I say that the three episodes we are looking at in The L Word were all written and directed by women, I would likely surprise no one. After all, the whole point of the show was that it was a “groundbreaking take on gay women’s lives” and “focused primarily on the stories of lesbian and bisexual women”, and naturally, it was created, written, and directed by a team of women. Seeing a story arc about a women’s prison and all of the trappings of the genre from that perspective has been both illuminating and satisfying.

We actually don’t see Rachel Shelley nude in the first episode of the season. The appropriately titled LGB Tease includes one of the critical elements of the genre, which is the prisoner intake. We have Rachel Shelley naked in it – well, technically naked but covering her boobs with a handbra – while a corrections officer wearing a pair of blue latex gloves leers menacingly from behind her. The shot ends with Helena Peabody bending forward to get her ass and vagina thoroughly fingered, but alas, none of this is captured on camera. In fact, the episode ends with no further nudity from the Swindon native, living up to its title.

The tease doesn’t last long because we do see Rachel Shelley topless in the very next episode, titled Look Out, Here They Come!, which may or may not have been a reference to the tsunami of orgasms from all aficionados of women-in-prison flicks. The context is, of course, a prison shower. You know how these kinds of scenes go, don’t you? Big open shower rooms with droves of completely nude female prisoners, soaped up and wet, getting into fights, the works. We do indeed see Rachel Shelley nude here for the first (and sadly last) time in the story arc, but what we are not given in quantity, we get plenty of in quality.

If you thought Showtime did well with the women-in-prison nude scene in this episode, you’re probably going to be quite enraged when you find out that there was a spin-off of The L Word planned that was going to take place entirely within a women’s prison, but it never saw the light of day. It was to be called The Farm, and apparently the pilot was filmed and everything, but alas, no biters at Showtime. Sad. Incidentally, this nude scene here also includes full frontal nudity from former Canadian Member of Parliament Lenore Zann, but more on that later. For now, enjoy Rachel Shelley naked in the prison story arc from The L Word.

Rachel McAdams Naked – My Name Is Tanino – HD Stream

Hunting for footage of Rachel McAdams naked in the films she has been in is a bit of a disorienting experience. It’s counterintuitive, but Rachel McAdams nude scenes are so few, far between, dark, and limited in view, that it’s almost easier to just tell yourself that the Canadian actress has never really done any on-screen nudity. But the thing is that there is actually one nude scene from her that ticks (almost) all of the boxes in the best way possible, and it’s in a film that no one really talks about, which I suppose isn’t that bizarre considering it’s a small-ish Italian film with not quite the same reach as, say, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. (Yes, Rachel McAdams is in that one as Doctor Christine Palmer, but no, as with all Marvel Avengers bullshit dirt, there is no nudity.)

The seminal moment I’m talking about is, of course, Rachel McAdams nude in My Name Is Tanino. This is her nude debut, but it’s a bit more than that in terms of foundations of her career. My Name Is Tanino came out in 2002, only a year after her first screen role. Perhaps more importantly for why it was and continues to be so easily forgotten is that it first screened at the Venice Film Festival barely a few months before The Hot Chick released to theaters. Now, while The Hot Chick is neither a cinematic masterpiece nor a hotbed of nude scenes (spoiler alert: it has none), its Hollywood pedigree is significantly more established, and indeed, it was responsible for kickstarting the Ontario native’s career.

But we’re here to talk about times that we’ve seen Rachel McAdams nude, not times that we haven’t. I guess My Name Is Tanino came at the right point in her career for that. Why do I say that? Because unlike in future nude scenes from the actress, in which it’s all about the subtle “artistic” nudity, in this one, she just spends a while running around a beach topless and swimming in a sea topless and appearing in a flashback topless. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s a whole lot more gratuitous than the kinds of “tasteful” flashes we see elsewhere. What’s more, whether it was filmed on location or in a studio, her nude scenes are all set on hot, sunny days, so the nudity is about as well lit as can be. The biggest downside we face is that there is yet to be a blu ray release, and the streaming version suffers from – to be polite – imperfect video quality.

The good news for you, dear fapper, is that if you really absolutely need to see Rachel McAdams topless on blu ray, every single other film she has done a nude scene in has a blu ray release. I’m not going to go into too much detail, but in chronological order, these are The Notebook, a PG-13 film in which we get some nip and sideboob action during sex scenes; The Time Traveler’s Wife, another PG-13 film where she moons the camera with her bare ass (which I suppose is about right for the age rating); To the Wonder, in which Ben Affleck marvels at her tits as they bounce in his face; and Disobedience, in which she partakes in hardcore lesbian tomfoolery, including one scene of Kate Winslet spitting into her mouth, which is, depending on perspective, either more or less graphic than when she ate out Saoirse Ronan’s pussy in Ammonite.

Yeah, that will probably always remain the most explicit Rachel McAdams sex scene, but the honor of hosting the most gratuitous nudity from the actress is unlikely to ever pass from My Name Is Tanino. Don’t get me wrong – I am fully hoping it does, because even at 43 years old (as I write), she is still drop dead gorgeous. That said, there is a bit of a curse with actresses who enter the Marvel Cinematic Universe sort of calling it quits with appearing naked in films, so I have no plans to hold my breath for any amazing offerings at this stage. It’s all good, though, because we’ve got this and we always will. Enjoy Rachel McAdams naked in My Name Is Tanino.