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Alexandra Daddario Naked – True Detective – Blu ray

Where were you when you first saw Alexandra Daddario naked? That’s not a rhetorical question. Think about it. Try and remember. Maybe it was back in 2014. You watched the first season of True Detective on HBO. The first episode comes and goes, but there is no nudity from any of the main characters. Naked extras is fine, but that’s not what tickles you pink. No, you want to see nude scenes from those familiar names and familiar faces. You watch the second episode. You’d heard rumors that there was going to be a bona fide (or even bonerfied) Alexandra Daddario nude scene. You were suspicious. Of course you were. You had never seen Alexandra Daddario’s boobs, and God knows you had tried time and time to find images or video of them.

Alexandra Daddario’s breasts might even not exist, you thought. At the very least, there was no evidence that her nipples did. You watched her in those Percy Jackson movies, but being a series geared at teens or families or whatever the hell the point of it was, you never got to see her character Annabeth Chase nude. You cursed the powers-that-be in Hollywood for robbing you of that pleasure as your balls grew bluer and bluer. You needed to fap to Alexandra Daddario nude pics, but no one was making it happen. How could the film and television industry be so cruel? How could life be so cruel? But then you heard news that perked your pecker up like the head of rodent when a raptor’s cry is heard overhead…

We were going to see Alexandra Daddario nude in Texas Chainsaw 3D. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies are filled with tits and ass, nudity as far as the eye can see, erect nipples protruding out of every surface – bras, shirts, cardboard, steel girders, tungsten monoliths, everything! So obviously – OBVIOUSLY – the one Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie with your favorite actress in the lead role is the one that happens to have not even the tiniest sliver of fucking nudity. Maybe in the years to come, you even read the rumors all over the internet that Alex offered to do the bondage scene where she is tied up topless. You may or may not be into BDSM, but Alexandra’s bare breasts swaying back and forth while her arms are tied over her head would be better fap material than any Playboy issue, even if it featured nothing but the strikingly blue-eyed actress naked from cover to cover.

But alas, you did not get to see Alexandra Daddario topless, not even a glimpse at her exposed ass, in Texas Chainsaw 3D. Maybe you heard as part of the rumors that the nudity decision was vetoed by the film’s director, John Luessenhop. Is that true? Is that untrue? Who fucking knows. One thing we do know is that if nothing else, Luessenhop has spoken at great length about the entire production team’s extensive fetishization of Alexandra Daddario’s belly. Not that he calls it that. No, in the interview, he consistently refers to it as her “stomach” – not only an oddly clinical term, but also not strictly a correct one, referring to her internal organ instead. Maybe John-boy’s spent too much time directing films about serial killers. Incidentally, Texas Chainsaw 3D was the very last film he directed, so maybe he felt the same. Or maybe it was true that he axed the fabled Alexandra Daddario nude scene that was not to be and was never given work again as a result. So much intrigue.

At this stage, you felt that you will never get a look at the mystical but unachievable Alexandra Daddario pussy. I mean, you can’t see her boob, her nip, a private sextape is obviously out of the question, so it is clearly wholly out of the question that you will ever see any part of Alexandra Daddario’s goddess-like body. You resigned yourself to your fate. Maybe that was your spunk-crusted Japanese anime love doll or maybe you fapped to other nude scenes… maybe you even spent some time with your wife or girlfriend. Maybe your relationship even improved without the dark specter of Alexandra Daddario’s eyes – as blue as she makes men’s balls – constantly luring you in for a fap that can never be completed, like a siren’s call to the murky waters where tits are invisible and so is everything else that doesn’t fit into Millennium Films’ “stomach” fetish. But that was to change…

You heard that very soon, we would all finally have those Alexandra Daddario nudes that we’ve craved so hard, not through the benevolence of some fake porn director, but through HBO, who as we know, never let us down with nude scene from Game of Thrones or True Blood. I mean, they totally did, but never in the first season. The first seasons were always Fap City. And Alex was going to be in the first season of HBO’s newest show, True Detective. But wait. You’d been burned before. Was this going to be Texas Chainsaw 3D all over again? You were cautious. Not dismissive, but cautious. You watched the first episode. No nude scenes that you were waiting for. You watched the second episode…

And there it was – a real, proper, true-to-form Alexandra Dadario nude scene. And what a nude scene it was. Not even the Jennifer Lawrence Fappening leaks that opened the floodgates of that phenomenon could overtake the True Detective nude scene as the internet’s favorite piece of celeb nudity. From that very first moment, when her shirt passes over the threshold of her diamond-hard nips, allowing her beautiful breasts to breathe free, unrestrained by the burden of wretched textiles, all the way to the last shot of the scene, when she’s bent over in nothing but a top, lower half completely naked, with Woody Harrelson sniffing or licking out her asshole or whatever the hell he was doing back there while Alex had that predatory expression on her face.

We were even graced with the very first Alexandra Daddario sex scene in that same episode. You mashed furiously as Alex rubbed her completely naked body all over Woody’s woody (and mercifully clothed body). She was even thankful for your efforts, having said in an interview that she finds the attention that fappers have given her scene “very flattering.” That’s right. Alex noticed you. No, not just anyone. Alexandra Daddario noticed you, Mike. She did tell MTV that it was a “huge challenge,” so I hope you’re appreciative of her sacrifice, Mike.

Was that the last time we saw the 8th and 9th wonders of the world that are the fabled Alexandra Daddario tits? Thankfully not. The New York native has done a number of other nude scenes in the years that followed, but have any of them measured up? Your opinion may or may not differ to mine, but my stance is that none of the other have. The True Detective nude scene is one that will live forever in the annals of history as a watershed moment in television nudity. Unfortunately, that high has not been outdone by any of her other efforts, which have been significantly more tame. But hey, she’s young, so there’s time. Now it’s time to unload to what is – as I write – hopefully the clearest, crispest screen captures of Alexandra Daddario naked in True Detective available anywhere.

Johanne Fossheim Naked – Heim – 4K Stream

This week’s expression of high culture is a post about the absolutely gorgeous Johanne Fossheim naked in the short film, Heim. Incidentally, we’re sort of coming full circle with this post, since one of the earliest posts that I did since reviving the Faptuary was also a Norwegian actress. But wait; the circle has another loop. Back in the .net days, I covered another film by director Aleksander Nordaas. That film was Thale. It featured another Norwegian stunner in the buff, but more than that, it was about the very same mythological creature, the Huldra.

For those who are curious, the Huldra is a beautiful forest nymph with an animal’s tail. I’d like to pretend that that doesn’t tingle my loins, but as I reflect, I have covered catgirls and wolfgirls before, so maybe there’s something frightening going on in my subconscious. Or maybe it’s just because these kinds of movies always pick the best-looking actresses for these roles. God knows I fapped myself raw to Silje Reinåmo, who played the huldra in the original film. She also, if memory serves, never wore proper clothes throughout the movie. I’m not entirely sure that that’s part of the mythology, but I am certainly not complaining, especially because…

We see Johanne Fossheim nude in Heim a whole lot more than we saw Silje Reinåmo nude in Thale. I suspect some part of that is due to the latter being a film that has to play in theaters and be rated and everything, whereas the former is a short, which allows for so much more creative freedom. Now, don’t get me wrong; I did love Thale to bits, to the point that it flipped my view on Norwegian cinema, which had been mildly tainted by a very popular Norwegian movie that I had seen that shall not be named but sucked absolute ass. That said, the nudity in Thale was very “artistic.” You know what that means. Low lighting, directional lighting to obscure the naughty bits, tactical camera angles, frustratingly but intentionally positions props… need I go on?

In Heim, not only do we see Johanne Fossheim topless in as clear a shot as anyone can shoot, but we see… well, literally everything. Short of the short including a scene from her colonscopy, there is nothing that is left to the imagination, making this one of the hallowed Faptuary post to hit the holy trifecta of ass, boobs, and pussy. And regarding the last point, it’s all on display. The actress’ pubic hair is short trimmed, so not a full bush, but long enough to be visible, while also being short enough to not obscure anything. Both outer and inner labia are clearly visible in a number of shots. That’s right, gentlemen; the pussy lips are fully on display.

If you want the full experience of watching Johanne Fossheim walk through an enchanted forest as a naked huldra, the director has the full short available on Vimeo, complete with English subtitles so that nothing is missed – not a single word and not a single body part. As always, I remain eternally grateful for the directors of Scandinavian shorts – especially in the context of my recent coverage of the two actresses from the Danish short, Teenland – so here is a selection of shots of Johanne Fossheim naked in Heim.

Florence Welch Naked – The Odyssey – HD Stream

Perhaps having a post about Florence Welch naked is a bit out of character for the Faptuary, but to be fair, I have been branching out a bit, like when I posted the most important moment of Holly Willoughby’s career some time back. This is kind of like that. Like, I’m sure most of you have been in the situation where you’re driving, here a song come on the radio, and say to yourself, “Man, I wish I knew what that singer’s boobs looked like.” Usually those questions go unanswered because unlike actresses, musicians don’t need to get their tits out in music videos…

Unless you’re the lead singer of Florence and the Machine. Yes, it’s true. Their music videos feature shots of Florence Welch nude. I think this kind of thing should take off. God knows music videos have become a bit passé now. The once proud MTV has managed to dip even below its already shite reputation of a channel for lame reality shows to becoming merely a memory that boomers talk about when they’re in the stage of their complaint cycle where they talk about how much greater things used to be. The other stage of their complaint cycle, of course, is talking about how much greater things are now, during which they’ll bring up music videos on demand via YouTube. Yet even YouTube is becoming old-fashioned to zoomers, whose ADHD has reached levels that were previously not believed possible.

Filling music videos with shots of Florence Welch nude could just be the injection of life that the industry needs to bring the medium back to its old splendor. Now, you may be confused as to why this post is about The Odyssey when in fact there is no song of that name by Florence and the Machine. So just to clarify, The Odyssey is a short film that creates a sort of overarching story across five of the band’s songs, namely “What Kind of Man,” “St. Jude,” “Delilah,” “Ship to Wreck,” and “Queen of Peace.” I appreciate that I would normally do a post per feature, but even though these are separate music videos, the clips are so short and spread out, that it would just be silly to do it that way, so I’m treating The Odyssey as a whole. Speaking of which, the full short is available on YouTube if you feel that you would fap to the Florence Welch nude shots better with audio.

There isn’t a high volume of full on shots of Florence Welch naked, but the music video/short movie does have plenty of lewd moments. Those who are aware of Florence and the Machine know that Florence Welch does like to display her diamond hard nipples through her tops as often as she can. So even when there is no nudity in The Odyssey, we get second best. Strangely enough, other than some rumblings at Coachella – and I mean Florence Welch stripping off, not breaking her foot – she is surprisingly dressed in her stage performances. You’d expect, with how lewd this round of music videos is, that she’d do a sort of Courtney-Love-naked-on-stage thing, but sadly not. Maybe soon.

I do want to say, lest anyone should get any false hope, there is no full frontal nudity in The Odyssey, but we do see Florence Welch topless on a few occasions. In one, a man is nuzzling her breasts with his face. In another, she’s lying on her back on a bed but tilted toward the camera for… reasons. Then there are a few moments when there’s sideboob visible, and maybe you’re not quite sure whether you’re seeing a nip or not, but if you freeze frame it at the right time, you definitely are seeing nips. Admittedly, the shots would be better if the angle was more toward the front, but as a long-time sideboob aficionado, I can’t say I disapprove. To not have too lean a post, I’ve padded some lewd shots along with the Florence Welch nude frames below.

Eileen Walsh Naked – The Magdalene Sisters – HD Stream

With a career trajectory like she’s had, one wouldn’t expect there to be any scenes in existence with Eileen Walsh naked. And if one entertained the possibility, surely the last thing you would imagine is a scene of her standing completely nude, with her full bush on display, well lit, fully on show, alongside a bevy of other nude women. For this blessing, we have to thank Peter Mullan for writing and directing what is perhaps the most highbrow women in prison film in cinematic history, The Magdalene Sisters.

Now, I might be burying the lede somewhat with that description. The very obvious overabundance of nuns could also classify it as a nunsploitation film. Searching for intent is a losing game since the director certainly didn’t desire either of those descriptors. Nonetheless, the tropes are there. We’ve got sadistic people in charge of the institution where our protagonists are incarcerated, women and girls who should not be there but find themselves there anyway, gratuitous nudity involving humiliation and in groups – the tropes are all present. Whether you ascribe those more to the nunsploitation genre or the women in prison camp is, I suppose, up to you, but it is probably safe to say that both elements are prevalent.

So under what circumstances do we get to see Eileen Walsh nude in The Magdalene Sisters? Well, the whole thing is a bit dark, to be honest. The Irish actress plays the role of Crispina, a woman with what is very heavily implied to be a learning disability who ends up having a child out of wedlock. In 1960s Catholic Ireland, this is viewed as being ever-so-slightly undesirable, so she gets shipped off to an institute run by the Catholic church, where to atone for her sins and ensure entry into heaven, she does laundry and occasionally gets forced to suck the priest’s dick. No, that last part wasn’t an off-color joke on my part.

The full frontal nudity we get from Eileen Walsh happens over the span of about two-and-a-half minutes during a scene where the girls are, for a reason that was never really established (or that I was too zoned out to catch), being punished by being forced to stand in a line completely naked while the nuns make comments about their private parts. Crispina has to get told multiple times to move her hands away from her hairy pussy, which she does so dutifully and in full view of the camera. Bless. Her bravery pays off because the nuns award her (SPOILER ALERT!) the prize for the hairiest beaver on the spot. Although she certainly deserves it, sporting a regal au naturel bush of the finest standard (and no merkin trickery either), the character is distraught by this. In fact, the whole group of inmates find themselves quite distraught. Must be something to do with the forced nudity, sadistic public humiliation, and Ireland’s abysmal performance in the Olympics that year. Stay strong, Emerald Isle.

So there we have it – the only Eileen Walsh nude scene in existence, and depending on your perspective and proclivities, it’s either extremely unerotic or extremely erotic. If you find yourself in the former camp, boy do I have good news for you. Below are all the best screen captures, lovingly selected from the movie, so that you can have your fap without being disrupted by silly little stressors like context. If you look a few pixels to the left and right of her in the images, you will find that Eileen Walsh is flanked by a number of other fully nude actresses, including Dorothy Duffy, Nora-Jane Noone, and Anne-Marie Duff. If you think the screenshot selection and watermark placement is a bit disruptive to your abilities to fap to them properly, stop, roll it back, and check out their individual posts. Fapsmith takes every nude scene very seriously, and all those posts are designed for maximum fappability to that specific actress. Fap on, friends.

Victoria Carmen Sonne Naked – Teenland – HD Stream

I do like a bit of international flavor at the expense of star power every now and then, so today’s post is about Victoria Carmen Sonne naked in Teenland. I’d like to get it out there, lest anyone accuses me of weak research for a website held in such high esteem by everyone, that the Danish actress has, as of last year, been getting credited as Vic Carmen Sonne. I’m not “deadnaming” to be petty. I’m using Victoria as her name because that’s what she was credited as in Teenland, and indeed, that’s what she has been credited as in just about everything she’s done. The latter point suggests that this is what more people will know her as, and how can I serve fappers to my best potential if they can’t find the material they want to fap to easily?

Teenland is a delightful Danish short about an institute for, in the director’s own words, “teens who are so fucked emotionally that they have developed supernatural powers.” Minus the “teens” part, that probably describes everyone who spends inordinate amounts of time fapping to celebrity pictures and videos online. Or maybe I’m just projecting. Fapping for days on end is a genuine superpower, so at least that part is true. All of you do that too, right? Right? Anyway, in case you didn’t bother to click it the first time because you thought it was yet another blue-balling link to IMDB, you can actually watch the full short on Vimeo.

The first time we see Victoria Carmen Sonne nude in Teenland is in the opening scene of the short. The intro credits roll through, and we’re cut to her standing in a clinical room with a bunch of medical… things stuck onto her. Of course, she is dressed in nothing but a pair of pink panties. At first, you think that you’re not going to get much of a clear shot of the good stuff since the best you get at these opening moments is a dodgy reflection in a mirror, but then, after some dancing around, the camera cuts to a frontal shot. The panties are obviously present, but other than that, there is nothing obscuring the aforementioned good stuff and the lighting is good. This shot lingers for a number of seconds as Victoria’s character, Sally, is beckoned to approach the direction of the camera.

The next couple of scenes of Victoria Carmen Sonne topless aren’t as ideally fappable, but they ain’t bad either with some tactical freeze framing and solid color correction. There’s a scene of her in a bathtub, getting her head held underwater by Frederikke Dahl Hansen, who has her own nude scenes in this, by the way. That one has a few flashes of nip, but we get better in the scene of her and her co-star running down a hospital hallway, both topless, boobs bouncing. There’s an incredibly dark scene of the two actresses lying on mortuary slabs (as one does), and to be honest, I was surprised by how much nipple actually came out when I color corrected that one. I didn’t think much would be visible, but I was happy with my error in judgment.

For all the ass men out there who have been thoroughly disappointed in the constant presence of panties, the very last Victoria Carmen Sonne nude scene in the short finally sees them gone. Yes, she is completely naked while dancing in her room. We do see a hint of bush, but that mere hint is all there is there. The good news for you ass men is that the reason that we don’t get the full frontal is because she has her ass to the camera for most of it, only disappearing toward the end as she bends over backward, giving us a terrific shot of her hard pokies. I’m not going to babble on for much longer, but before I close, I do want to mention that this is yet another feature with a female director that manages to have superior nude scenes.