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Eileen Walsh Naked – The Magdalene Sisters – HD Stream

With a career trajectory like she’s had, one wouldn’t expect there to be any scenes in existence with Eileen Walsh naked. And if one entertained the possibility, surely the last thing you would imagine is a scene of her standing completely nude, with her full bush on display, well lit, fully on show, alongside a bevy of other nude women. For this blessing, we have to thank Peter Mullan for writing and directing what is perhaps the most highbrow women in prison film in cinematic history, The Magdalene Sisters.

Now, I might be burying the lede somewhat with that description. The very obvious overabundance of nuns could also classify it as a nunsploitation film. Searching for intent is a losing game since the director certainly didn’t desire either of those descriptors. Nonetheless, the tropes are there. We’ve got sadistic people in charge of the institution where our protagonists are incarcerated, women and girls who should not be there but find themselves there anyway, gratuitous nudity involving humiliation and in groups – the tropes are all present. Whether you ascribe those more to the nunsploitation genre or the women in prison camp is, I suppose, up to you, but it is probably safe to say that both elements are prevalent.

So under what circumstances do we get to see Eileen Walsh nude in The Magdalene Sisters? Well, the whole thing is a bit dark, to be honest. The Irish actress plays the role of Crispina, a woman with what is very heavily implied to be a learning disability who ends up having a child out of wedlock. In 1960s Catholic Ireland, this is viewed as being ever-so-slightly undesirable, so she gets shipped off to an institute run by the Catholic church, where to atone for her sins and ensure entry into heaven, she does laundry and occasionally gets forced to suck the priest’s dick. No, that last part wasn’t an off-color joke on my part.

The full frontal nudity we get from Eileen Walsh happens over the span of about two-and-a-half minutes during a scene where the girls are, for a reason that was never really established (or that I was too zoned out to catch), being punished by being forced to stand in a line completely naked while the nuns make comments about their private parts. Crispina has to get told multiple times to move her hands away from her hairy pussy, which she does so dutifully and in full view of the camera. Bless. Her bravery pays off because the nuns award her (SPOILER ALERT!) the prize for the hairiest beaver on the spot. Although she certainly deserves it, sporting a regal au naturel bush of the finest standard (and no merkin trickery either), the character is distraught by this. In fact, the whole group of inmates find themselves quite distraught. Must be something to do with the forced nudity, sadistic public humiliation, and Ireland’s abysmal performance in the Olympics that year. Stay strong, Emerald Isle.

So there we have it – the only Eileen Walsh nude scene in existence, and depending on your perspective and proclivities, it’s either extremely unerotic or extremely erotic. If you find yourself in the former camp, boy do I have good news for you. Below are all the best screen captures, lovingly selected from the movie, so that you can have your fap without being disrupted by silly little stressors like context. If you look a few pixels to the left and right of her in the images, you will find that Eileen Walsh is flanked by a number of other fully nude actresses, including Dorothy Duffy, Nora-Jane Noone, and Anne-Marie Duff. If you think the screenshot selection and watermark placement is a bit disruptive to your abilities to fap to them properly, stop, roll it back, and check out their individual posts. Fapsmith takes every nude scene very seriously, and all those posts are designed for maximum fappability to that specific actress. Fap on, friends.

Kristen Connolly Naked – House of Cards – Blu ray

I realized last week that I really wanted to see Kristen Connolly naked. I was sitting in my hotel room in Amsterdam at night, having just been blue balled by the shameful sanitization of the city’s Red Light District. I got back to the foul, body odor-smelling room I paid a small fortune for and got blue balled yet again by the TV. You see, The Cabin in the Woods was playing. Cabin in the Woods hints at a Kristen Connolly nude scene a whopping three times throughout the course of the movie. Three goddamn times! It goes without that it never delivers. Before you say that Joss Whedon doesn’t do nude scenes (of his actresses, not of himself), Cabin in the Woods actually had one, so there really is no excuse. More on that in a second.

The first hint we get that we are going to see Kristen Connolly nude in Cabin in the Woods is right near the beginning of the film. She’s parading around her college dorm room in a top and no pants. No, she’s not Donald Ducking it, but the panties set the scene, especially with the revolving door of other characters wandering around her, including Chris Hemsworth, who informs her at the end of the scene that she is indeed not wearing pants. Obviously not the kind of thing that one notices about themselves, but we did get an eyeful of Kristen Connelly ass, so who are we to complain?

The next tease we get for source material for Kristen Connolly nude pics is when the main characters go for a swim in a lake. The scene has actresses running around in bikinis, plenty of horseplay, and the people running the show talking about releasing pheromones. It seems obvious that it’s going for some nudity, right? Those Kristen Connolly nudes that we’ve hungered for so long are just around the corner, right? Nope, all you get is blue balls. Now, to be fair, we get some blue ball relief in the third and final hint, which is a nude scene from Anna Hutchison (of Spartacus fame), but alas, that only lines up with her being (spoiler alert) the ritual’s designated “whore,” whereas Dana, Kristen’s character, is the designated “virgin.”

Perhaps even more frustrating is that even if you wanted to scale your expectations right back, plop into Google Images, and type in “kristen connolly sexy,” you would get a whole lot of images that make your average PG-13 production look like a hardcore porn set. I’d make a point here about Disney Channel being less tame than these offerings, but frankly, where we’re going, former Disney starlets are some of the most explicit out there. Even in Cabin in the Woods, the shots that feature Kristen in a bikini are obscured and filmed from far away, and the panty shot from near the beginning of the film spends most of itself showing nothing but her legs, like we’re all a bunch of Second World War GIs that haven’t seen a woman in months and would take any scrap we can get.

So I suppose it’s some part funny and some part random that it ended up being House of Cards, of all things, that finally delivered the Kristen Connolly topless scene everyone has been waiting for. It is rather blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, I’m sorry to say, but we don’t really get to see Kristen Connolly nude anywhere else, so we can only be thankful to producer Kevin Spacey for making this happen. Then again, in light of what came after, maybe the whole situation is a bit dark. Speaking of, the debut episode of the show also has a scene of Kate Mara sitting on a toilet and taking a dump. Thought you ought to know. In any event, I present for you the 4 nanoseconds of the only scene in existence featuring Kristen Connolly nude.

Daniella Pineda Naked – Mr Roosevelt – HD Stream

I was surprised when I got an eyeful of Daniella Pineda naked when watching Mr Roosevelt a few days ago. It’s not often that I get blindsided by a nude scene. I pride myself on something that approaches an encyclopedic knowledge of film and television nudity, and yet this one surprised me, pleasantly of course. I had originally picked up Mr Roosevelt because I was aware that it contained the only ever nude scene from Noel Wells. That turned out to be multiple nude scenes from the star, but more than that, I learned, dick in hand, that the same movie also contains the only known Daniella Pineda nude scene in existence.

It was actually quite satisfying. Early on in the movie, we think we’re going to see Daniella Pineda naked when she takes her top off to get changed. Unfortunately, the camera is at the wrong angle and we just get a whole lot of back. Not even sideboob is visible. Just back. In retrospect, the whole thing has a sort of burlesque quality to it. It’s that infamous tease that everyone has a love-hate relationship with. But here is why it works out. First you think that you are about to get the Daniella Pineda nude scene that you’ve been waiting for so long. Then you realize that you are, in fact, not. Then, out of the fucking blue, boom, tits.

So the point where we finally get to see Daniella Pineda nude is partway through the movie. It overlaps with the biggest part of Noel Wells’ nude scenes, namely, the deliciously long scene where the protagonists are at the watering hole or river or reclaimed toxic waste dump. The movie had already established at this point that Daniella’s character is not at all fussed about public nudity, so it was not an abnormal progression to the story when she took her top off to enjoy the sun. What does surprise the viewer – or, at least, it did surprise me – is when, as the free-spirited character is taking her bikini top off, the camera stays firmly pointed on her titties.

Daniella Pineda, hot day, bikini top removed – if that’s not the recipe to a perfect day, I don’t know what is. Just to be clear, if the images on this page don’t paint a clear enough picture, the director – who, incidentally, is Noel Wells herself – was exceptionally generous with the gratuitousness of this nude scene. The lighting is exemplary, which I suppose isn’t surprising considering it’s set outdoors on a sunny day. The camera angles are absolutely uncompromising. We get multiple camera angles, and not a single one of them is stingy with how much nudity it captures. Honestly, the only thing missing here is a 4K UHD blu ray release, which would probably break the internet (and my wang).

If you’d to this point resigned yourself to searching for Daniella Pineda sexy photos because you didn’t think there was anything better, Merry Christmas. To be fair, it wouldn’t have taken much research to get to the conclusion that this nude scene exists. It’s the problem with just accepting for so long that an actress has never done a nude scene – you don’t try to look for one. Although she’s never been in the Mickey Mouse Club or whatever, the public image that she’s been cultivating for so long has just drilled it deep into my head that we will never see Daniella Pineda nude. More fool me, but at least I got a late present that I wasn’t expecting.

If you’ve been hunting high and low for some Daniella Pineda ass, though, I have bad news for you. She keeps her bikini bottoms on throughout this scene. You do get a fair bit of sideass, though. I don’t know if ass men enjoy sideass as much as boob men enjoy sideboob, but it’s there if you want it. If that doesn’t appeal to you, there is still that other video of her spreading her ass cheeks wide open. In any event, you will so more of Daniella Pineda nude in this movie than anywhere else.

Right up until a Daniella Pineda porn film comes out. I mean, there was this one… but… It’s actually interesting how gratuitous this nude scene of hers is considering how averse to nudity she is in everything else she has been in. Do we get a whole lot of cleavage from her in TBS’s The Detour? Sure, but cleavage will only ever be only partial boobs, and let’s be honest, it was TBS, which means that there were never going to be any nude scenes. The situation with American Odyssey was not dissimilar. Yes, she was technically naked in it, but again, NBC production means no nipples on screen. Curse you, Tipper Gore, and your puritanical ways.

Something that we can probably all agree would have benefited from the inclusion of Daniella Pineda topless is Netflix’s adaptation of Cowboy Bebop. God forbid Netflix should stoop to something as lowbrow as nude scenes in their productions. A Faye Valentine lesbian sex scene? Yeah, that’s perfectly wholesome and family-friendly. But a hint of nip!? No, that would be the work of the Devil. The joke is clearly on Netflix since they ended up having to cancel the show. But the funny thing is that that’s not even the full picture. The show did have nudity, but it was just always a sort of background affair, and what everyone was blatantly obviously interested in was seeing Daniella Pineda nude.

In spite of all of those disappointments, you can bring your desperate, last-ditch search for Daniella Pineda leaked nudes to an end, because you can get the full enchilada from Mr Roosevelt, courtesy of director Noel Wells. I have mused countless times about how female directors direct the best nude scenes, including in the last post, so I won’t bore everyone to tears by repeating it all again here. Instead, brush the Cheeto dust off your hands, unzip your trousers, and enjoy the glory of Daniella Pineda nude.

Noel Wells Naked – Mr Roosevelt – HD Stream

I initially picked up Mr Roosevelt to watch so that I could see Noel Wells naked. What can I say? I have simple needs, and they usually involve boobs, which makes the fact that I live in the internet era quite serendipitous. But watching Mr Roosevelt was itself also quite serendipitous because I got a whole lot more out of it that seeing Noel Wells nude. First of all, she doesn’t just have one nude scene; she has multiple. Secondly there was also a nude scene by Daniella Pineda, which probably could have saved Netflix’s Cowboy Bebop adaptation, but that’s another story. Thirdly, the nudity was actually surprisingly long, considering Mr Roosevelt is not a lewd movie or a titty film by design. But fourthly and finally, I actually really enjoyed the movie. It’s true. I didn’t fast-forward to skip right to the nude scenes even once.

It’s easy to get jaded by the film industry, with every movie following the same formula, being written by the same handful of writers, starring the same revolving door of manufactured stars. Mr Roosevelt suffered none of those ills. What I got from it, far beyond my original goal of tracking down the only Noel Wells nude scenes in existence, was a movie that was well-written, well-acted, authentically funny, and just all-round authentic. The nudity is just a bonus. A great bonus, but a bonus nonetheless. And incidentally, I use this movie as yet another example of female writers and directors being responsible for some of the best nude scenes in film and television. We’d explored this point earlier with Emily Mortimer’s incredible nude scenes in Nicole Holofcener’s Lovely & Amazing and then before that with the stellar nude scenes from Anna Maxwell Martin, Claire Foy and Anna Wilson-Jones in Paula Milne’s BBC production, The Night Watch.

The most satisfying part of the Noel Wells nude scenes in Mr Roosevelt is that the female writer and director in question is Noel Wells herself. Debut directing her own debut nude scene in her film writing debut is truly offering it all to the world, and the world is thankful. Or I am, anyway. And so is my wang, even if it is a bit raw from multi-rounding this one. So worth it, though. Stamina loss is temporary. Boobs are forever.

The first time we see Noel Wells topless in Mr Roosevelt is when she goes out to a swimming hole somewhere around Austin with a group of newly-met friends. Said friends all get undressed down to their bikinis and then take their bikini tops off almost immediately, because why not add an extra step? Emily, Noel’s character, looks uncomfortable, but peer pressure kicks in, and she takes her top off… until she gets offered to take a hit of a crack pipe in exchange for putting her top back on. But not so fast, for mere minutes later, cause for celebration makes her rip her bikini top right off, and she spends the rest of the scene with her boobs out. Glorious.

Toward the end of the movie, we see some nippage and plenty of sideboob from Noel Wells one last time during a sex scene. The flashes were too quick and the angles too stark for these bits to be big league fap material, but they do make for a nice dessert to finish the nudity phase of the movie off. All in all, I give the movie a solid masturb8 out of 8 for many reasons, one of which is that, as I write, this is still the only feature in which we can see both Daniella Pineda and Noel Wells naked. And just to be clear, I don’t mean that it’s the only movie that we can see them both naked at the same time (although, incidentally, we do); I mean that both actresses have no other nude scenes in existence. Combine that fact with it sharing a name with two presidents, and I think Mr Roosevelt is a clear candidate for preservation in the Library of Congress.

Lynsey Taylor Mackay Naked – Under The Skin – 4K Stream

Imagine you get your big break. It’s going to be a big budget movie with some big names involved. This is the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for. You have to do a full frontal nude scene with your labia completely on show, but you see it as a necessary way to break into the film industry. You do the scene, the movie comes out, and you find out that the same movie also contains multiple full frontal nude scenes from Scarlett Johansson. I imagine it’s like if your band gets signed to play a gig at a large venue, only to find out that Megadeth will be playing down the road at the exact same time.

Lynsey Taylor Mackay played the essential role of The Dead Woman in Under The Skin. I’m not just saying that because I forgot her character’s name. I’m saying that because that’s literally how she’s credited. The tragedy is that her performance, silent though it was, was perfect. What’s more, her naked body looks great. And yet, I guarantee you most people who watched Under The Skin more than a few months ago will have forgotten that she was even in it. Life is truly cruel. So I’ll do my part in immortalizing this performance by color correcting all the naughty bits to perfectly, fap-ready visibility. You’re welcome, struggling artists of the world.

For those that have forgotten this scene, it involves a completely nude Scarlett Johansson stripping Lynsey Taylor Mackay’s clothes off as… of, sorry, did I forget to mention that one of Scarlett Johansson’s nude scenes was overlapping with this one? So I suppose it’s less like Megadeth are playing down the road and more like they’re playing just to the left of you and everyone in the audience thinks you’re just a gaggle of roadies that didn’t get off stage fast enough. So unfair. So very unfair. Oh well. Such is life. I, for one, am thankful to Lynsey for gracing us with this nude scene and wish her all the success in the future. As for all of you readers, you know very well what it’s time for.