More Nude Scenes – Introducing Quickshots

Fap to even more nude scenes – free, fast, plentiful, and easily accessible

I started trialling out nude scene quickshots half a week ago, and even though it’s early days, I’m quite happy with the process, results, and reception.

What are quickshots? Simply put, they’re videos of nude scenes that have been minimally edited.

Why do quickshots? Faptuary – both now and back then – has always had a philosophy of quality over quantity. This necessarily means sacrificing quantity, and as time and resources get tighter, that sacrifice becomes greater. Quickshots allow us to have our cake and eat it – to have both quality and quantity.

Why aren’t the quickshots on the home page? I’m not looking for a “rebrand” or a change in direction. Faptuary will continue to be primarily about original, never-before-seen content to give you the best version you can get of any given nude scene. Although the quickshots are home-brewed in their editing and therefore technically original, these edits will be too subtle for most people to notice and so their presence will be secondary.

What’s the catch? There is none. There has never been a catch. The videos are there, they’re not behind a paywall, there are no forced ads to watch through, there are no logins or registrations, there is nothing but videos of nude actresses in film and television.

So relax, like these fine ladies…

NEWS: Will There Be Nudity in Carnival Row Season 2?

As I write, it’s Thursday in pretty much every part of the world (sorry, Alaska and Hawaii), which means that the second season of Carnival Row, which will also be its final season, is airing tomorrow. The question on every coomer’s lips is, of course, “will there be nudity?” And if you’re like me, you were probably also wondering at exactly what time Carnival Row Season 2 airs, so we’ll get to that as well in a bit.

I’m not going to waste too much time talking about the first season of the show except to say that we got a number of nude scenes out of it, and that includes from much of the main cast. Maeve Dermody as Portia Fyfe gave us the very first nude scene of the show. That was in the pilot episode, and later in that very same first episode, we got a nude scene in a fae brothel from Karla Crome as Tourmaline Larou. Cara Delevingne plays one half of the show’s lead duo with the role of Vignette Stonemoss, and she appears nude twice in the first season – once in the sex scene with Orlando Bloom from the third episode that everyone knows and then once more in the fourth episode, wherein she’s topless as part of a hallucination that Ridecart Philistine has. The last shots of nudity in the show are courtesy of Tamzin Merchant in her role as Imogen Spurnrose, who has a pair of nude scenes in the seventh and eighth episodes of the first season.

But will any of those characters be getting naked in the finale of Carnival Row?

Well, information has been scant, so let’s see what we’ve got. If you’re content with turning the clock back almost two years, we’ve got this article from the Daily Mail with some lewd shots of Cara Delevingne on the set of this upcoming season. She also appears to be mid-makeup in many of the photos, so the nudity might be a backstage thing more than a harbinger of any skin we’re to see on screen. Really, the only thing I can find that’s both more recent and more concrete than that is the “Content advisory” on Amazon Prime’s page specifically for Season 2, which lists the following: Nudity, violence, frightening scenes, alcohol use, smoking, foul language, sexual content.”

That’s a good sign, but if a lot of more recent shows are anything to go by (cough, House of the Dragon, cough), then we risk getting a whole lot of nude scenes from unnamed extras and very little from the main actresses, the celebrities that we’re here for. What even are the possibilities? As far as the official trailer shows us, we know that Cara Delevingne, Tamzin Merchant, and Karla Crome, of the actresses that had nude scenes in the first season, are in the second season. We also got a number of shots of Caroline Ford as Sophie Longerbane, who did not appear naked in the first season. Is there any chance that we’ll finally see Caroline Ford nude in Carnival Row? I certainly hope so. Maeve Dermody does not appear in the trailer, so hopefully that doesn’t mean we’ve lost another potential.

AmazonAdviser posted only yesterday that Season 2’s official rating is TV-MA, which is on par with an R-rating for films. You might have caught something else in that piece, though, which is that some people will actually get to watch the first two episodes of Carnival Row tonight, on Thursday, February 16. What gives? Nothing abnormal, it turns out. It’s a time zone issue. Yahoo reported the same thing, noting that the episodes air on the American East Coast at midnight (Eastern Time) as Friday, February 17 kicks in and at 9pm (Pacific Time) on Thursday night on the West Coast. A piece by Tom’s Guide adds a 5am (British Standard Time) air time for the United Kingdom and a 3pm (Australian Eastern Daylight Saving Time) air for our friends in the southeast of Australia.

But what can you do if those times don’t work for you or you just cannot be assed to give the second season of Carnival Row a go unless you know there are going to be nude scenes featuring your favorite actresses? Well, fear not, for I plan to do here exactly what I did with House of the Dragon and (rather more disappointingly) Rings of Power.

That’s right. All you have to do is check back on this page every Friday – or even more frequently, for the freshest news – to catch up with the updated nudity report on every newly-released episode from the series finale of Carnival Row. All updates will be added to the bottom of the document, so just scroll down to the end for a quick glimpse into whether there have been any updates. All updates will be labelled with a date and possibly even a timestamp if it’s a very eventful day.

I know these walls of text don’t really get anyone’s rocks off, so as we wait for the next 20 hours to pass, I’ll leave you with the seminal moment from Season 1:

UPDATE – Feb 17

I just finished watching the first two episodes of the second season of Carnival Row. Titled Fight and Flight and New Dawn, neither of these episodes had any nudity.

The first episode had a “nudity” advisory and the second episode didn’t, but it did have a “sexual content” advisory. The latter is technically true in the tamest possible sense, but as to the former, unless a pair of titties flashed on screen while I blinked, I have no idea what that’s about.

There were a pair of close calls, though.

In the first episode, Cara Delevingne prepares to have a bath and teases her lover, Drivethru Overpass, to help her out before stripping down… the last of which happens off-screen.

In the second episode, Cara and Orlando Bloom have a sex scene, but this again happens off-screen. We see the build-up, we see the aftermath (during which the apparently now shy Vignette Stonemoss is wearing some sort of nightie), but we do not see the act itself nor any nudity associated with it.

Two episodes down and eight to go.

Make sure to check back next week.

UPDATE – Feb 24

The third and fourth episodes of the new season of Carnival Row – titled The Martyr’s Hand and An Unkindness of Ravens – aired moments ago. There were no nude scenes in either of them.

All that said, Karla Crome seems to have a much more prominent role this season, and as we learned from the previous one, she seems to have no problem with doing nude scenes. I’d like to think that’s a good sign of what to expect, but we’ll have to find out with time.

Sorry I’m not bringing better news. Hopefully that won’t be the case next week. Have some Tourmaline Larou from last season to tide you over.

UPDATE – Mar 3

We finally got our first nude scene of Season 2. Tamzin Merchant has a sex scene near the beginning of episode 6. Check back in a bit for the 4K UltraHD captures, but in the meantime, here’s a teaser of what to expect:

OK, it’s now a few hours later, and I’ve had my sleep.

The episode in question is titled Original Sins, it’s the sixth episode of the season, and it aired this morning or last night (depending on time zone-induced perspective) along with the fifth episode of this second and final season of Carnival Row.

The full post about Tazmin Merchant’s brand new nude scene is up now, wherein you can learn a bit more about it (should you care) and enjoy the gallery of screen captures in 4K UltraHD (which you almost certainly do care about).

After losing a bit of hope over the course of the last two weeks’ updates, I’m now hopeful again that there’s more nudity around the corner. As always, check back in a week or sooner for further news on any more nude scenes we can expect from the show.

And remember, you saw it here first.

UPDATE – Mar 5

The thirst is clearly getting to me, because I’ve been rooting around and only now found that back in January, Cara Delevingne posted an Instagram story in which she does yoga naked. Yep, completely nude yoga, shaved pussy and all.

Cosmopolitan seemed to be the ones that broke the story, and in the same article, they mentioned that even though the Carnival Row actress’ face isn’t in the shot, the tattoo on the side of her chest matches with one she is known to have.

LatestLY connected her naked exercising to her recent “erratic behavior,” which has apparently included spasmoidal body movements at an airport, running around without a shoe, drinking unknown liquids (horrifying, I know), and admiring dildos in a sex shop, the last of which is apparently not connected to her new documentary, the not-at-all salaciously-titled Planet Sex.

HotNewHipHop took a different approach, viewing Cara’s nude public yoga session as an improvement over her unstable past behavior rather than a continuation of it.

I don’t know anything about all of that. All I know is that I can’t find the full Instagram story anywhere. If you have it saved, let me know.

I’ve already put the Bat-Signal out on Twitter.

UPDATE – Mar 10

The seventh and eighth episodes aired two hours ago.

I’m sad to say that there’s nothing to report on the nudity front.

We have only two episodes left before Carnival Row is finished forever. If they were saving the big Cara Delevingne nude scene for last, then fair dues, but I’m going to be quite distraught if that never materializes.

UPDATE – Mar 17

The final two episodes of the second and final season of Carnival Row aired just now. The season was great, and I’m sad the show is over.

I’m probably even more sad that there were no further nude scenes in these two episodes. C’est la vie, I suppose.

On the Importance of Color Correction, featuring Scarlett Johansson

We’re going to be doing something a little different today. Don’t worry – you’ll still see tits. What’s different is that you’ll get a bit of a look at how and why the tits you see on the Faptuary look different to those you’ve seen elsewhere. If you’ve noticed this, either subconsciously or consciously, you’ve probably picked up on the fact that these deviations will vary from the subtle to the extreme. If you’re not quite sure what I’m talking about, then allow Scarlett Johansson to demonstrate in the video below.

“What am I looking at, Fapsmith?” Something a bit different to the regular workflow but which goes to explain it even better. It’s a scene from 2013’s Under The Skin, ScarJo’s nude debut and sadly her only nude scene to date. “And the three instances?” The left-most one is the shot as it appears in the original film. It is completely unedited. This is what you would be seeing if you just watch the movie as the filmmaker and the studio intended.

The videos that are sandwiched in the middle – the ones bearing the “2022” label – are from a color correction I did of the scenes from Under The Skin in March of last year. I remember being rather proud of it at the time. To be fair, it was quite an achievement. As you can see from the original footage, not only is the scene so dark that it’s surprising that there’s any detail there at all, but it’s also got some pretty extreme contrasts AND it’s so very, so exceptionally, so inhumanely red.

Suffice it to say, simply increasing brightness was never going to make it fappable, so I went through a couple of steps to get it looking the way it does. I was proud, you see, because the scene went from looking like shadows on top of shadows with the occasional searing red glow to a scene where you could actually get a fairly clear look at what’s going on, many details included. But the funny thing is that looking back on it now, it’s actually quite a mediocre color correction as far as how the end product looks, regardless of what came before it. Perhaps even calling it mediocre is too generous. Really, it’s a bit crap.

Which brings us to the videos on the right – the ones with the “2023” label. I spent a day and a half this week rejigging the color correction. I didn’t want to present something that was simply not as bad as the other one. That’s the kind of nonsense that modern elections hinge on. It’s also the sort of flawed thinking that made me feel like last year’s color correction on this scene was something to be proud of. Instead, I wanted to get the scene to actually look good even when viewed completely outside of context. As much as I could, anyway. It goes without saying that the footage I have access to (no comment on whatever’s sitting in a vault somewhere at StudioCanal) is severely limited in detail, which necessarily limits what I can pull out of it, but that doesn’t mean I have to reach a marginally acceptable level and then stop.

And so we have the latest result. We’ve got nipples that are actually identifiably a different color to Scarlett Johansson’s boob skin. We’ve got individual pubes on her nice, trimmed bush that can actually be made out rather than just appearing as a haze of pixels within a slightly darker cloud. We have skin texture that looks fairly smooth rather than having to sit underneath a layer of heavy grain, be it because it’s a horrendously amplified part of the original footage or because it was added to mask severe distortion (or both, as the case was for the 2022 edit). We’ve got less blur and more fine edges. Make sure to check out the image gallery at the bottom of this link for the much less compressed 4K captures to see the difference at its total extent. I fully expect that in another year, I’ll look back on this version and think that it’s outdated too, but until then, I’ll keep on honing my craft.

I’ll also keep on applying this ever-improving skillset to every nude scene I work on, and in doing so, offering the best views you could feasibly get from whatever passes through my ‘puter.

Of course, this all comes at a price. No, not for you; for me.

I’m going to neither bore you, dear reader, nor denigrate myself by begging, but I will say that as of last November, I’ve lost my career over this (thanks, HR) in a way that is, because of the mechanism through which it was done, permanent. Between hosting, subscriptions to the software used for the work, buying hardware to keep up to date with it during a silicon shortage, and getting hold of rare films that I can’t stream through any of the main services or borrow the blu rays off of a friend, not only has this cost me my income, but it’s also adding considerable expenses.

If you’ve enjoyed what you see throughout these posts and are now aware that the process on my side is more than simply hitting the print screen button a few times to get these scenes up, I really wouldn’t mind a few bucks here and there. No pressure. Everyone’s always welcome to visit, browse, and fap as much as they want, but… you know…

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NEWS: Will There Be Nudity in The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power?

It is likely that we will see The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power nude scenes, but I have not been able to divine the degree of gratuitousness at this stage, nor who the actresses that will be appearing nude are. It’s September 2, 2022 as I write, and the information I have at my disposal is that which has been made public, whether intentionally or otherwise, and the content of the first two episodes of the first season. That said, I intend to do my duty in following the series along as the episodes are released – just as I am doing with House of the Dragon and as I did with Becoming Elizabeth (the latter of which sadly went nowhere further in the nudity department).

For that reason, don’t be too disappointed by this limited news.
Instead, keep on scrolling.
All updates will be added to the bottom of this post.

This one actually snuck up on me a little bit because for some time now, The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power has had an age rating of TV-14 in the United States and similar and 13+ in countries like the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, Japan, South Korea, and the crucial global film and television market of Ecuador. I confess this says more about my laziness than anything else, but because of these age certifications, I’ve just not bothered to check up on whether there will be any nude scenes in Amazon’s latest Tolkien adaptation until now. I mean, this is an age rating shared with Stranger Things, and no one was under any illusion that Netflix’s flagship show was going to be full of nude scenes (except for that random women’s prison shower scene at Hawkins Infirmary).

But again, the deficit is clearly my own since people have been digging into this topic for a solid two years now. If we flip our calendars all the way back to October 6, 2020, the intrepid researchers at Tolkien gigafan site The One Ring had put together a comprehensive investigation into the questions of whether The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power would feature sex and nudity. The ember that started this conflagration was the find that Amazon were hiring an “intimacy coordinator” in New Zealand for a production that pretty much everyone agreed was their Lord of the Rings adaptation. Casting calls by local talent agency BGT Actors Models & Talent that called for “talent who are comfortable with partial or full nudity” were also found, and these too were linked to the production of the series.

Pop culture magazine NME picked up the story the very next day, echoing the findings of the team from The One Ring and adding a whole lot of discontent from Tolkien fans from social media. “Literally no one is asking for pointless sex & nudity in the Amazon LOTR series,” they quote one Twitter user. I’d like to add that if I was personally polled on this, her outcome would have been different.

Amazon nonetheless remained tight-lipped on the matter, and NME themselves revisited the matter on July 21, 2021, when they announced that a “spy report” had revealed that The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power will “include nudity but no sex.” When the era of Cold War espionage lay down to rest the long rest at the turn of the 1990s, who would have thought that it would be resurrected in the form of rabid fappers infiltrating Amazon to determine whether we’re going to be seeing elf boobs in upcoming Tolkien adaptations? Truly we’ve ascended as a civilization.

All of this aside, we still had no official word from The ‘Zon, but that finally changed on February 10 of this year, when showrunners Patrick McKay and JD Payne were interviewed by Vanity Fair. A whole lot of new information came out of that, and everyone was hoping it would finally answer the nudity question. A lot of people even walked out of it thinking it did, but funny enough, wildly different conclusions were extracted by said people, leaving us no further along at all.

What we did learn from it, however, is that some element of the production, or perhaps the entirety of the production, view The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power as filling the same niche as HBO’s Game of Thrones. At one point in the article, Game of Thrones is even labelled as a “spiritual successor” to Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, so in a way, it’s almost like they’re seeing it as coming full circle. But where does that take us on the nudity question. None of the Lord of the Rings films had nude scenes, so that’s hardly a consistent thread that cannot be violated. And yet, Game of Thrones alumnus Bryan Cogman was reportedly working as an “adviser” to “get [The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power] off the ground” while Peter Jackson was not, so it’s perhaps not too much of a stretch to guess where the new show will be getting more of its influence from.

The showrunners did explicitly address the nudity question in the interview, but as with everything else we have had so far on the topic, the answer wasn’t as clear as most people, myself included, would have liked it to be. Patrick McKay had said that The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power would not have “Westerosi levels of violence and sex.” Further clarification was given from the producer, saying that they wanted the show to be “for everyone, for kids who are 11, 12, and 13,” and even though the implication behind that seems to be that there would be no nudity whatsoever, such language was never actually used, nor even euphemisms thereof. It would have been very easy for McKay to simply say “there is no nudity” if there was none, operating under the full knowledge that no one (except for me) wanted it and that there would be nothing but positive feedback if such a thing was announced. Yet he didn’t.

No consensus on the matter was reached by third parties either. Somag News simply accepted that it’s a foregone conclusion that Amazon’s Lord of the Rings series “will feature scenes of nudity.” A similar conclusion was reached by George The Giant Slayer, who added a further piece of evidence – a still from the production of the series which shows Galadriel actress Morfydd Clark wearing a wet giant-underwear-gown-thing with the relief of her right nipple clearly visible. I’ll actually address this with a bit more information in a bit.

But in the meantime, speaking of giant underwear, our Mormon friends over at Deseret News have taken a considerably more measured approach to analyzing the limited information, which is to say that they have no idea. To give them credit, at the time that article was written (and still as I write now, for that matter), that is the only fair assessment. Considering, however, that the article is titled “Can your kids watch Amazon’s new ‘Lord of the Rings’ series?” and the subtitle includes the text, “but will it feature sex, nudity and violence similar to HBO’s ‘Game of Thrones’?” I’m still a little disappointed that there was not actual answer to all of that. But then who am I to speak when I’m basically doing the exact same thing… unless this post has already been updated with new information at the bottom by the time you’re reading this…

As late as August 26, a mere week before the pilot episode was to release on Amazon Prime, people were still humming and hawing over whether there will or will not be nudity and sex scenes in The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. For a series that allegedly cost $462 million to create – and that’s the first season alone! – I’m surprised there’s so little solid information out about it. I suppose keeping the mystery helps generate hype. Free marketing and all that.

But enough about the background. Let’s have a look at what’s actually in the first two episodes in terms of nudity.

Season 1, Episode 1: A Shadow of the Past

Galadriel, played by Welsh actress Morfydd Clark, is on a ship with a bunch of elves who are sailing to Elf Valhalla or Disneyland Paris or something. They undergo some sort of bizarre ritual undressing (kinky) where each of the elves are stripped down to their baggy underclothing by others. Bras and panties aren’t really a thing in Middle Earth, so, counter-intuitively, we don’t actually see any more skin from Galadriel after she gets stripped down to her undies. That’s it for this one.

Season 1, Episode 2: Adrift

Galadriel is still in her giant Mormon underwear, but having spent an indeterminate amount of time swimming through an endless ocean, her undies are just a little bit wet. We had reference to this earlier in the post with regard to the still from before the first episodes aired where you could see Morfydd Clark’s nipple – or the relief of it, anyway.

Well, in the episode itself, there are no outlines of Galadriel’s nipples visible – not in any shot and not from any angle. I don’t know whether the shots were reshot from the time the stills were taken or whether her nipple bumps were digitally removed (imagine having that absurd job), but they’re just not there. To make things more confusing, not only does it not look like she’s wearing anything under her gown insofar as no outlines are visible, but when the wet cloth is on her skin, the color you see is distinctly a skin color too. That skin color just carries across over where her nipples should be as well. The whole thing reminds me a bit of when Hollywood went through a phase of compositing digital nipples over actress’ real nipples so that their nude scenes would be… less obscene? Who the hell knows. Oh well, at least Galadriel’s thigh gap was constantly visible as the light shone through her wet undergarment.

That’s all we’ve got now, but given that all of the evidence suggests that there should be nudity in the show, I will be keeping up with The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power every week so that when we do get that nude scene – or, even better, nude scenes – you all are going to be able to find them right here, captured and color corrected for maximum pleasure.

And that takes us to the final point: Who could the possible future nude scenes be from? Based on the casting call mentioned earlier, we’re going to be seeing extras naked, but hopefully, given that the producers are willing to swing that, there will also be nudity from one or more of the main characters. Let’s look at our options.

Galadriel is sort of kind of the main character of the show. Sort of. Kind of. Played by Welsh actress born in Sweden (the village just north of Merthyr Tydfil, not the country) Morfydd Clark, the elvish warrior and resident conspiracy schizo is the prime candidate for a nude scene for two reasons. The first is her prominent role in the show and its promotional materials. The second is because Morfydd Clark has done a nude scene before. It wasn’t the most graphic of nude scenes unless you’re a hardcore ass man, but a nude scene, it was. I’m referring to her role as Maud in Saint Maud.

Nori Brandyfoot is another candidate. Played by Australian actress Markella Kavenagh, she operates on the periphery of what could be a comic relief role. The harfoot hobbits seem to exist in what is for now anyway a rather chilled out storyline, so plenty of opportunities for lewdness, I guess. Though I don’t know how it’s supposed to work with Nori being made to look about two foot tall thanks to camera trickery. Markella Kavenagh herself has not yet done a nude scene, but she did have a lewd scene that involved a bra, a pair of panties, and another girl in 2020’s My First Summer. Then she had another lewd scene in the same movie where she’s taking a soapy, bubbly bath with another girl, both of whom are completely naked (none of which is visible, sadly). Then she had another lewd scene, again in the same film, where she’s making out with another girl. I wonder if that trend is going to carry over to some lesbianic hobbit shenanigans in The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power.

The final candidate is Bronwyn, played by Nazanin Boniadi. Why? Because she has a prominent role and because the actress had a very tame sex scene in the Starz series Counterpart. Normally I don’t mention Starz without going into a tirade about how they’ve gone from nudity-fests like Spartacus to one-nude-scene-per-season stuff like Becoming Elizabeth, so I’m going to save everyone the boredom by just stopping here.

Check back on this page for any updates. Everything will be appended to the end of the post as it’s added, so scroll right to the bottom if you ever want to see if there’s anything new.

UPDATE – Sep 9

Episode 3: Adar aired today. There was no nudity. There was a perfect opportunity when Galadriel was presented as a prisoner on the island kingdom of Númenor. She’s dressed in her nasty rag see-through underclothes (which are sadly no longer see-through) and is either given a dress or steals one for her escape attempt. This undressing and redressing was not shown on screen. Boooo, Jeff.

Speaking of Jeff Bezos, I’m going to use this update to bring up something I missed when I wrote the original post. I’ve personally not seen any video nor heard any audio recordings of Jeff Bezos talking on the topic, but it keeps on being pushed that the Amazon founder himself was gung ho about the company making a show that pretty much is Game of Thrones in every way other than the story.

You can find material going back as far as 2017, as is this article from Insider, talking about how “Jeff Bezos wants Amazon to get its own Game of Thrones,” citing the company’s adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s alt-history masterpiece The Man in the High Castle as a sort of proto-example. That one didn’t have any nudity to my memory either, though. There were certainly no Alexa Davalos nude scenes in it, although we do have her heart-stopping nakedness through Feast of Love to make up for it, I suppose.

Fast-forward to 2021, and you’ve got articles like the one from ScreenRant talking about Jeff Bezos allegedly presenting his executives with a list of 13 elements that are integral to Game of Thrones and rejecting everything that does not meet all of them for a flagship Amazon Prime show. The source for this information is one Brad Stone and what he had shared in an interview with TheWrap. I’m not going to vouch for any veracity here because no real proof is given unless there is some juicy information behind the paywall of the last article, but I can say the following with absolute certainty:

If a list was genuinely created of 13 elements that are integral to Game of Thrones and its roaring success, the merciless onslaught of gratuitous nudity is either one of them or the list was written by an idiot.

We are now up to episode 3 of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power and don’t seem any closer to getting any nude scenes out of it, and that’s in spite of the constant fear-mongering that preceded the show on that front.

For what it’s worth, as recently as this year, Brad Stone’s book was still being referenced on the matter, including in this piece by InsideHook, which starts with a supposed quote from Jeff Bezos: “I want my Game of Thrones.”

UPDATE – Sep 16

Episode 4: The Great Wave of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power was full of full frontal nudity and elf sex scenes.

Just kidding. There was absolutely no nakedness on show.

Galadriel did get imprisoned at one point, but Jesus Franco was too busy being dead to guest direct an episode where Morfydd Clark plays an elf in a women’s prison setting that gets falsely accused of prostitution by a corrupt Númenor judge and has to endure a sadistic lesbian prison warden. Oh well.

In the closest news I can relate to nudity, I finally clicked as to where I recognize Queen Regent Míriel from. Cynthia Addai-Robinson played the second incarnation of Naevia in Spartacus. After Lesley-Ann Brandt left the role following Gods of the Arena, which is in story chronology the first but in release chronology the second season, Cynthia Addai-Robinson picked up the role for Vengeance and War of the Damned. Both actresses had nude scenes in the role.

Does this mean that we’re going to get a nude scene from her in The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power? Let’s be honest – at this stage, probably not. But a man can dream.

And dream, I must, because if you haven’t been keeping up, House of the Dragon finally delivered on what we’ve been waiting for since the pilot episode – Milly Alcock, who plays Rhaenyra Targaryen, had a nude scene in the fourth episode.

Hanging onto that thread proved to be fruitful, and it is for that reason that I will continue to hang onto this one.

Admittedly, House of the Dragon set the stage a bit more confidently with its nude scene from Sonoya Mizuno in the pilot episode, but with all of the talk of how much nudity The Rings of Power is supposed to have, I feel just as teased, if a whole lot less fulfilled.

UPDATE – Sep 23

Episode 5: Partings is completely devoid of nudity or anything approaching. At this stage, if they show an ankle, I’m sure it’ll cause an uproar from the change in tone alone.

I did a very brief surface dig to see what other sources are commenting on the matter. You know, considering the near-consensus before the show aired was that it would be Game of Thrones reborn, steady stream of gratuitous nude scenes and all.

One source is primarily based off of the first episode of the series with a hint to keeping track of future episodes, which may or may not have materialized. Either way, they haven’t missed much, and their note of a “mostly nude male body” with “something covering his genitals” pretty much sums up the extent of the nudity in The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power.

Another article took a more interesting approach. It talks about how the showrunners had already “debunked” the theories that any nudity or sex scenes would be appearing in The Rings of Power before the show even aired. Now, I had linked to what I’m assuming is the same interview with Payne and McKay that the author is referring to earlier in this post, but I’d interpreted it very, very differently, and it seemed like a whole lot more people did than didn’t.

Certainly, I’m not the only one a bit confused (dare I say dismayed?) by the scenario. Will from Naturist Fiction had a good bit to say about the stolen nudity in The Rings of Power. I’ll let you hear it from him for the full story, but I will highlight one of the examples he gives, which is Galadriel’s long swim through the high seas while she’s wearing a heavy gown. Anyone who has ever had to swim wearing a lot of clothing knows exactly how this goes.

The reason that specific scene set the stage for what will almost certainly be no nudity for the rest of the series (though I do sincerely hope I’m wrong) isn’t because it would have been an easy excuse to shoehorn a nude scene in, which is what titty shows usually need and do. Rather, it’s because if the show was real (suspension of disbelief and all that), the nudity in that situation would be a given. Meaning that the showrunners had to explicitly remove nudity from a situation in which it was expected – and not just from coomers but from people hunting for realism as well.

At this stage, I’m wondering whether all of the “leaks” from before the show aired that seemed to indicate it would be full of nude scenes were just a very clever marketing ploy from Jeff Bezos. Well played if so, Jeffrey. Well played.

UPDATE – 1 Oct

Episode 6: Udûn, which I believe is Elvish for blue balls, aired yesterday. There was no nudity. Sad.

UPDATE – 8 Oct

Episode 7: The Eye aired on Amazon Prime yesterday.

I didn’t get around to watching it until today because I was sure there would be no nudity. Boy, was I proven wrong. I watched it today and had my jaw on the floor for all 7 minutes of full frontal nudity from Morfydd Clark as Galadriel, though I did think the shot where she got Eiffel Towered by Halbrand and Queen Regent Míriel was a bit tasteless.

Alas, I jest. Another episode with no nudity. I’m beginning to notice a bit of a trend with this show.

UPDATE – 15 Oct

I’ve been putting off writing this update because it almost feels like it would make it real – make it final.

Episode 8: Alloyed aired yesterday. It was the finale of the first season of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. It looked like it was going to have a nude scene from Morfydd Clark as Galadriel, but this did not come to be.

Not only did we not get to see Galadriel nude, but I even think some digital trickery went into obscuring partial nudity. Earlier in this post, I mentioned production stills showing Morf in a see-through gown-thing in which you can make out a bit of her naked body underneath. Well, in this episode, said gown-thing featured yet again, and in a couple of scenes, but now it was completely opaque, kind of like it appeared in that episode that she wore it in the first time.

Why does Jeff Bezos do this to us?

Anyway, the season has ended and contrary to all hopes, there has been no nudity whatsoever in The Rings of Power. Not from main characters, not from background characters, not partial, not obscured, not implied – just none.

It was a pleasure getting blue balled with you, gentlemen.

I leave you with one final tease from our favorite elf commander.

NEWS: Will There Be Nudity in House of the Dragon?

The short answer is yes, but it will probably be nothing to write home about and is unlikely to include any main characters. So in a way, that’s almost a soft “no.”

I watched the first episode of House of the Dragon today, The Heirs of the Dragon, an episode name also fitting the new series’ place as a sort of heir to HBO’s Game of Thrones series. It had two nude scenes and one near miss.

The first scene is the near miss. The queen is in a bath tub, and as people tend to be when bathing, she is naked. If you’re hoping for a repeat of the iconic nude scene with Emilia Clarke lounging in and then rising out of the bath tub when she played Daenerys Targaryen, banish the thought. The bathwater is completely opaque, and the actress stays below the waterline at all times.

The second “nude” scene and the first proper nude scene in House of the Dragon features an actress whose name I cannot find because her character is not named in the show. If you’re either eagle-eyed or desperate, you can catch a few flashes of nip throughout this scene. If you’re an ass man, you will probably be a bit more satisfied.

The last nude scene is split in two in the episode. Doctor Who is enjoying an orgy, and a whole lot of naked women and men can be seen in the background. Not a single one of these characters has a speaking line, let alone names.

So why am I harping on about this? Because it runs contrary to the wormy appeasement and grovelling that HBO have been vomiting over the past month or so. As The Telegraph points out, Game of Thrones was marred by (rightful) accusations of “sexposition,” where gratuitous, pointless nudity was on screen during what were often dry monologues in a lazy effort to not lose the audience. The New York Times sums up HBO’s stance on the matter by referring to House of the Dragon’s approach as being “self-consciously tasteful, popping up like a diorama in a natural-history museum.” So naturally, I’m curious as to how they’ve done this by having literally all of the nudity in the first episode done by unnamed characters and all but one nude actress having no speaking lines at all.

There seems to be little consensus on the topic, and it’s to the point where reports on it vary so wildly that it’s not even clear that everyone is talking about the same show. Our friends from the Emerald Isle claim that there will be “plenty” of nudity on display, and Steve Toussaint, who plays Lord Corlys Velaryon in House of the Dragon, told audiences that there would still be nudity, if not quite as much as in GoT. IndieWire report a “multitude of nude and sex scenes in Season 1” and that the creators of the series have claimed them “necessary” to the story. Matt Smith has even added his two cents in an interview with Rolling Stone about how there were too many sex scenes and that they were unnecessary.

The whole approach from HBO has shown a strange misunderstanding about the appeal of nudity in these kinds of shows, Game of Thrones included, among the new generation of showrunners. When approached about nudity, on multiple occasions, this was automatically associated with “sexual violence,” as if the two concepts cannot be separated. Salon identified a flipflop in HBO’s position on even this, where showrunner Miguel Sapochnik told The Hollywood Reporter that the show would not “shy away from it” and “shine a light” on it, while executive producer Sara Hess told Vanity Fair that sexual violence would not be depicted on screen at all.

The reality of the situation will make itself clear over the next two months and a bit as the debut season of House of the Dragon unfolds, but I’m likely to take this pilot episode as an indicator of the direction of the rest of them. For what it’s worth, the careers of the four main actresses by and large do not show form for nude scenes, let alone gratuitous ones.

Milly Alcock and Emily Carey, who play the younger Rhaenyra Targaryen and Alicent Hightower, respectively, do not have any previous nude scenes under their belt, and given HBO and television at large’s habit of frontloading nudity in the first one or two episodes of an actress’ appearance in a show, it’s unlikely that they’ll start now.

Emma D’Arcy plays the (relatively) older Rhaenyra, and the story is the same with her, although to be fair, she hasn’t had her debut scene in House of the Dragon yet, so we don’t quite have the full story there, meaning hope remains.

The most hope I’m reluctantly holding onto, however, is for Olivia Cooke, who plays the other half of the Alicent Hightower role. The Mancunian actress has brief nudity in both The Quiet Ones (2014) and the appropriately named Naked Singularity (2021), with a considerably more gratuitous naked appearance in 2016’s Katie Says Goodbye. Olivia has yet to appear on screen in House of the Dragon, so I’ve got all fingers and toes crossed that if we ever do get some top tier nudity out of the show, it’ll be from her.

Don’t worry. I don’t intend to make tedious, unfappable posts like this a regular fixture. Titties will follow. In the meantime, I leave you with this bizarre moment from the first episode.

UPDATE – Aug 29

No, there wasn’t any nudity in episode 2, but the character who had a nude scene and a line in the pilot episode was given a name (and a much bigger role) in the episode that followed.

Her name is Mysaria, and she is played by JapaneseBritish actress Sonoya Mizuno of Ex Machina fame. Given this revelation, I have gone back and given her nude scene the due consideration it deserves. It’s got a new (significantly superior) lick of color correction, proper editing, and a selection of stills captured from it.

Looking forward to not be disappointed by episode 3, but not exactly holding my breath.

UPDATE – Sep 5

Episode 3: Second of His Name contained no nudity, no lewdity, no allusions to either, and I think at one point it gets made canon that every person in Westeros has the body of a Ken or Barbie doll or a Sim when you remove the blur.

I will of course continue to monitor the situation, as I am now also doing for The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power.

UPDATE – Sep 12

Episode 4: King of the Narrow Sea finally has the kind of nudity we were waiting for.

We get an honest-to-the-Old-Gods-and-the-New Milly Alcock nude scene in Episode 4 of House of the Dragon.

That’s right. The actress who plays Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen, who had never done a nude scene before, has finally done one. It’s not the most gratuitous of nude scenes, but which madman would pass up the opportunity to see Milly Alcock naked?

There are actually two Milly Alcock nude scenes in the episode, but as I write, I’m not convinced that the first of them has any visible nudity. By the time you read this, the full analysis will probably already be up. If there is a link in this paragraph, then follow it to see for yourself and get the final answer.

By contrast, we could have gotten an Emily Carey nude scene in this episode as well, but did not. Young Alicent Hightower is having sex with her husband, King Viserys Targaryen, but she is doing so while wearing a Westerosi bra. Yes, a sex scene involving a bra. What sad times we live in.

There are also ten million extras who appear naked in a King’s Landing pleasure house in this episode, but none have names or lines.

My hope for suitable nudity from House of the Dragon is somewhat restored, and I will continue to follow future episodes in the hopes of more, as I have been doing with The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power.

UPDATE – Sep 19

Episode 5: We Light the Way was the last episode of House of the Dragon to feature performances from Milly Alcock and Emily Carey.

I know what you’re all here for, so I’ll skip right to the chase. This episode had no nude scenes.

After the previous episode contained that great extended nude scene with Milly Alcock, including her lounging around in a whorehouse and having sex with Ser Criston Cole, I really did think that even though we only had one episode left with the Australian actress, the last episode to have her in the role of Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen would include some nudity from her as one final hurrah. No such luck.

The weirdest thing about it is that – without dropping any spoilers – this episode did cover Rhaenyra’s wedding. Admittedly, I don’t remember this element featuring in HBO’s adaptation Game of Thrones, but if you’ve read the books in the Song of Ice and Fire series, you’ll know that weddings in Westeros contain some rather choice customs that give producers the perfect excuse to shoehorn a nude scene into a show – you know, when it is necessary “to progress the story” (in the way that the graphic orgy scenes from the pilot episode definitely didn’t, but who’s keeping track?).

If you haven’t read the books, what I’m referring to is the practice of stripping the bride and groom completely naked at their wedding right there in front of everyone. Yes, really. And since the source for that seems to be a Sansa chapter, I’m glad I’ve finally figured out what purpose those POVs served other than giving readers a chance to zone out as they move through.

Suffice it to say, no such public stripping happened at Rhaenyra’s wedding – not of Milly Alcock, not of her groom, not even of any background orgy guests à la the first episode.

As for any scenes of Emily Carey nude, for all the talk in last week’s article in The Guardian about the young actress doing sex scenes on camera for the first time, we didn’t get anything lewd last week, and there was nothing even approaching nudity from Emily in this last episode of hers in House of the Dragon.

Emma D’Arcy and Olivia Cooke join the cast next week in the roles of Rhaenyra Targaryen and Alicent Hightower, which they will carry in the remaining five episodes of the season. Does that give us enough time for some nude scenes out of them? Time will tell, and I will continue to update this post every week with any news.

UPDATE – Sep 26

Episode 6: The Princess and the Queen aired last night. We said goodbye to Emily Carey without a parting nude scene and Milly Alcock with just the one. The roles of Queen Alicent and Princess Rhaenyra were filled by Olivia Cooke and Emma D’Arcy, neither of whom got naked in the episode.

There’s really nothing more to say at this stage other than that there are 4 episodes left to air, and we can do naught but keep our fingers crossed for results in the future.

Stay tuned.

UPDATE – Oct 3

Episode 7: Driftmark aired mere hours ago.

The good news is that we have our first Emma D’Arcy sex scene in her role as Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen.

The bad news is that she remains pretty much fully clothed throughout. No nudity whatsoever.

UPDATE – Oct 10

Episode 8: The Lord of the Tides contained no nudity.

I think I spotted Sonoya Mizuno in it again, but she was wearing clothes this time around. Sad times. Or it might have been someone else. It’s hard to say for sure since I had House of the Dragon on in the background while fapping to Game of Thrones episodes for old times’ sake.

We’ve got two episodes left, and it’s not looking good, laddos. Considering out of the eight episodes that have aired this season, we have only had TWO nude scenes from named characters, I think it would be naïve to expect too much over the next fortnight.

I’ll keep an eye on the show anyway in hopes for the best and update this post with any news.

UPDATE – Oct 18

A bit late, but there’s nothing to report on the nudity front anyway.

The season finale of House of the Dragon is in about a week, and if the show follows classic HBO rules, we’re up for a big nude scene then. For example, the finale of the first season of Game of Thrones

UPDATE – Oct 24

I come bearing good news.

Yes, I understand that any of you that have been following these updates expect me to write about some amazing, mind-blowing nude scene that happened and follow it up with a “just kidding; no nudity,” but not this time.

We genuinely did get a genuine nude scene out of Emma D’Arcy’s Rhaenyra Targaryen.

That’s the good news. The less good news is that the actual proper nudity is limited to one frame. No, that’s not an exaggeration. You can see her nipple in literally one single frame.

I appreciate this makes me (and if you’re reading this because you care, you as well) sound really desperate and prone to grasping for straws, but in potentially both our defenses, there are no other Emma D’Arcy nude scenes in existence, not in House of the Dragon nor anywhere else. Here’s to hoping that by the time you read this, that link leads you to a page of many others, but that’s not the case yet.

In any event, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Yes, we did only get one frame of nip, but there’s about half a minute of footage of Rhaenyra Targaryen shambling around in a see-through garment, bouncing tits clearly visible through it, and some great downblouse action, so I’m sure you can find enough material to fap to if you really put your mind to it.

If not, we can wait for Season 2 to be equally, if not more, disappointed by the drought of nudity we will surely face in that one.

Thank you for joining me on this journey. There’s no one else I’d rather fap with. That means you. Yes you, reading this right now. You, Mike. Don’t look behind you.